Make mine a Pinot Noir

What we need is more food movies. Get the people stuck in front of a screen for 2 hours and punt a product strongly enough and it's worth thousands in anyone's advertising budget. Take Chocolat for example, I don't have any figures to back my theory but I reckon chocolate sales went through the roof whilst that movie was on circuit. Same for Mexican food following Tortilla Soup and now with the movie Sideways on circuit the flavour of the month is Pinot Noir.
The movie is the chronicle of a road trip by two old friends in California wine country and heavily features Californian Pinot Noir but I'm sure that even here in South Africa it has stimulated a renewed interest in this often overlooked wine. of course you'll have to search far and near to find a decent Pinot Noir locally because not only is it notoriously difficult to deal with outside it's native Burgundy but it's way down the popularity stakes at the moment. The problem is that the movie will spark renewed interest in the cultivar, wine growers will see a gap in the market and like Chardonnay, in about 7 years time we'll be swimming in a sea of Pinot Noir and wondering how the hell we got there.
At the moment it's only about 0.5% of the plantings but if the movie works it's magic that figure will certainly change. So if you want to get ahead of the game and impress your friends with your sophisticated palate maybe now is the time to ease up on the Shiraz and Chenin Blanc ( honestly no-one drinks cab or chard anymore ) and start seeking out one or two decent Pinot Noirs - Bouchard Finlayson and Hamilton Russel are good starting points. Just don't expect the sort of religious experience depicted in the film, it's a pleasant wine, not an earth shattering wine and it does benefit from a subtle chilling as opposed to banging it in the deepfreeze for 5 hours.

A chicken in every pot

I can't remember which French king it was, but his rallying call to the peasants was " A chicken in every pot " . By 1928 Herbert Hoover had taken up the cry in his Presidential campaign and the ante was upped to " A chicken in every pot and a car in every garage." It's an idiom that has been exploited by politicians the world over except for Fidel Castro who has always done his own thing and usually the unexpected. So at a rally this week on International Womens Day, Fidel did not promise a chicken in every pot or a car in every garage or even a cigar in every mouth, Fidel promised a rice cooker in every house.
Now on the surface this seems quite an odd promise, after all surely it's more important to have the rice rather than the rice cooker? In a 45 minute speech to hundreds of cheering women, the Cuban leader announced 100,000 rice cookers would be available each month at subsidised prices. Well I say Viva Fidel, Viva Rice Cooker... because I reckon it is one of the most incredible pieces of kitchen equipment that anyone has ever invented. I have no idea how it works and God knows I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it out but it has the uncanny ability to produce perfect rice every time, I repeat not just sometimes, but every time . I'm absolutely gobsmacked by it's efficiency. The only explanation that I can come up with is that it cooks rice to absolute perfection following the same principles of that other wonder of the modern world, the vacuum flask - sheer bloody magic ! I mean how does the flask know to keep cold drinks cold and hot drinks hot ? It's the same with the rice cooker, how does it know when the rice is cooked ?
I'm beginning to view Fidel in a new light now that I find he has the same deep held respect for the Honourable Chinese Rice Cooker and referring back to his speech it appears that the rice cooker not only cooks rice perfectly but also beans. Now I'm back to the Thermos problem - just how does this bloody rice cooker know when it's cooking beans and not rice ?

Taking the Widow's name in vain

Some people are really dumb. That's not just my opinion because I'm sure it's shared by Mark Parsons the guy in charge of Education and Hospitality Services for Wine at a local wine estate. Some joker has sent out an email under Mark's address saying that all you have to do is forward the email to at least 10 people and copy in Mark and within 3 weeks Veuve Clicquot of France will deliver to you a case of champagne. Poor old Mark is receiving thousands of emails daily from idiots.
The fake email first states that you will receive a case of Veuve Clicquot inside 3 weeks - how ???? via email since no-one asks for any delivery details and then further down it states that you'll get 6 bottles in 15 days ? What sort of cretin falls for chain emails like this ? What mentality do they have to send it on with a sheepish comment like " I don't know if this works but it can't do any harm " ? How mundane is their working day that when one of these stupid messages pop up on their screens they get a little rush and feverishly sent it off to another unsuspecting 10 victims. The saddest part for me is that some of these bozos have had some dealings with me because I am in their email address book as a contact and end up becoming a distant link in the chain.
This particular hoax started out in France and has been doing the rounds since 2000. As usual it took some time for South Africa to catch up but that may be something to do with the clown who stole the idea not having the mental capacity to translate from the French, he certainly didn't have the intelligence to localise the free offer with a South African wine product. I don't want to burst anyone's bubble but there is no free clothes giveaway from the Gap, British Airways are not offering free flights, Nokia are not offering free phones, IBM are not giving away free computers, Microsoft are not giving away free software and the moon is not made of cheese for those of you who still believe in fairytales.

Keen as mustard

Well that's the way it started out but after 3 hours of doing some serious mustard production I'm afraid the enthusiasm for the pungent condiment was waning slightly. What seemed to be a relatively easy task was beginning to take on onerous overtones and I was up to my eyeballs in what could best be described as what you could normally find deposited in a baby's nappy.
It started out simply enough with a sighting of some cute little bottles which just begged to filled with something as delicious as a genuine homemade mustard. We're talking mustard from scratch here, not buying a tin of Mr Colemans powder and mixing with water. So having sourced the yellow and black mustard seeds I set about the task at hand with great gusto, feeling at one with nature and cursing the fact that in my desire to produce an artisan mustard I had in fact overlooked the most important piece of equipment. Mixing the mustard would be no problem, bowls, spoons, blenders abound in my kitchen but how the hell was I going to grind it to a fine powder without a mill ? Well necessity is the mother of invention and I kind of felt that a coarse mustard would be more appropriate anyway just to prove to any future doubting Thomas that I had in fact produced the condiment from scratch, so I used the spare electric coffee bean grinder that normally zaps my curry spices. It was a slow process but reasonably efficient.
After the grinding process it was plain sailing, merely a matter of blending the ground seeds with some liquid, seasonings and a little bit of oil to produce what looked exactly like a fine wholegrain mustard - the problem was that it didn't taste exactly like a fine wholegrain mustard but seemingly that is only to be expected as it must now go through a 2 week seasoning period in bulk in a refrigerator before bottling. This process, which is often carried out in a wooden barrel, in a similar fashion to wine will allow the mustard to mellow and tone down the sharpness.
If you fancy making your own mustard place the ground seeds in a blender working on about 1/3 yellow seeds to 2/3 black seeds with the the former being more finely ground. Add enough liquid to create the consistency you want and this can be whatever you fancy as long as it is cold - water, beer, wine, verjus all work fine. Make about 1/3 of the liquid content a vinegar of some description, balsamic, white or red wine, grape or even cider or grape vinegar. Season with salt, pepper or spices and a little turmeric will help with the colour as yellow mustard seeds tend to go a little grey. Add about 200 ml of oil per kg of mustard mix. Remember to be patient and let the mustard develop before consuming.

A better meal experience

If you eat out on a fairly regular basis but never seem to get quite the meal experience you would like then here are a few pointers to help you manage that experience a little better. This is advice from the other side of the fence as it were and will give you a little insight into how restaurant staff may react to you.
Firstly try to eat out midweek as much as possible rather than weekends. Everyone eats out at weekends and if you're not a real celebrity then you'll never get the service and attention that you so richly deserve. So the trick is to eat out on a quiet night at a restaurant which you like and make point of schmoozing the owner or manager. Make a big impression by chatting him up and complimenting the meal or service and asking some silly questions like had you chosen the best dish on the menu or what would he recommend for your next visit. Make an immediate booking for the next week and tell him that you're going to take him at his word concerning the dish. Then ask him for a contact telephone number and give him your business card or first name. The next week make a point of calling him personally 24 hours beforehand just to confirm the booking and that he'll have the fresh duck, tuna or whatever. By the time you walk in on the Wednesday evening every member of staff will have been drilled so much that you'll be treated like Madiba. Repeat this type of tactic one or two times and you'll always be a VIP in the restaurant, getting the best tables, the best staff to serve you and the best food even at weekends.
The next thing to remember is that after flattery, bribery will get you everything and I'm not just talking about leaving a normal tip everytime. If you like to bring your own wine to a restaurant and pay corkage then every once in a while bring an extra bottle and give it to the owner/manager/favourite waitress as a gift : " This is the wine we normally enjoy, it's very good, I'd like you to enjoy a bottle of it at home " A R30 or R40investment of this nature will pay dividends for months to come.
Finally, always chat up your waitress. A healthy exchange of conversation between you and her will always yield positive results but try to phrase your questions so that you don't get a silly response like " Everything on the menu is good here " Ask questions about the chef, where the duck comes from, which dish on the menu is the best seller etc and you'll reinforce the impression in her mind that you haven't just popped in because you're hungry, you're actually interested in and know something about food and your intentions are to dine not just to refuel. Bon appetit !

Pickin' a Chicken

There's no doubt in my mind that chicken is the most versatile meat that is available to us. It just seems that you can do so much with it and that's why I find it strange that people don't try to understand the bird a little better and use it to it's full advantage. Unfortunately the chicken suffers from a bit of a poor reputation of often being dry and tasteless but that's not the chicken's fault, to cook is to blame.
Unlike most meats the fat is not distributed in seams throughout the flesh so you don't get a nicely marbled breast of chicken for example. It's not a problem, it simply means that you've got to change your game plan a little. Toss a breast of chicken on the braai, especially a skinless breast and you're guaranteed a dry, tasteless piece of wizened flesh that even the most highly spiced concoction of sugar, tomato sauce and vinegar will not revive but give the preparation method a little bit of thought and you'll never forsake the fowl again.
If you favour roast chicken then brine it for 24 hours for spectacular results
( I've dealt with this before but it bears repeating - see recipe below ) and forget all about that advice you read about keeping an eye on the bird and basting every 10 minutes. The real secret in dealing with whole chickens is to pay them as little attention as possible and leave everything up to Father Time. So after brining and patting dry, gently work some flavoured butter under the skin of the breasts and the thighs for inbuilt automatic basting. The butter can be flavoured with anything that takes your fancy, fresh chopped herbs, garlic, curry spices, chilli, the choice is yours. Roast in a medium hot oven until cooked and then let the bird rest, out of a draught, for 10 or 15 minutes. Don't be tempted to poke at it or cut into the thigh or any of those silly things people do when they lack confidence in the kitchen, just leave it alone for time to take it's course and you will be rewarded with a chicken which is tender and juicy and tastes magnificent.
If you intend to use the chicken in another dish eg a pie or for chicken mayonnaise then poached chicken is what you need. You don't need to brine it but it certainly won't do any harm. Cover the bird with chicken stock if you have it otherwise water will work just fine with some aromatics added such as chopped onion, carrots, celery, fresh herbs, bayleaf, black peppercorns and not forgetting star anise. If you've got one of those little stock cubes then toss it in the bin, it's simply the most concentrated source of salt known to the home cook. Now here's the secret about poached chicken - simmer, not boil, for 15 minutes only and then place a lid on the pot, remove from the heat and go and have a glass of wine on the stoep. Leave the chicken for at least 1 hour and resist the temptation to keep lifting the lid and peeking into the pot. When you can bear the tension no longer, remove the chicken and allow to cool slightly before skinning and prising the succulent flesh from the bones. A word of warning, you may find a slight pinkness around the joints but don't worry because your chicken will be perfectly cooked with moist, succulent meat. Oh by the way, if you didn't have chicken stock before, you do now and if you did have chicken stock before, well just taste it now !
Brine for chicken
500 g brown sugar
250 g maple syrup
300 g coarse salt
3 whole heads garlic bruised
6 bayleaves
100 g coarse chopped ginger
10 g red chilli flakes dried
3 lt water
Mix all ingredients together well to dissolve sugars and salt. Immerse chicken for 24 hours and refrigerate. Only use each brine once and discard. Like everything in the kitchen it's best to stick your finger in and taste - if it is too salty then your chicken will be too salty. Adjust liquid and sugar levels to suit your palate. This is a basic brine, play with it, add fresh herbs or other spices, delete the maple syrup and try moskonfyt if you want, it doesn't have to be water, there could be some wine or beer or even ginger beer. Just think for yourself and be adventurous, remember as long as the brine tastes OK to you, then the chicken will be magnificent.

They're inscrutable, you know.....

I wouldn't thank you for a tub of caviar. I have no interest whatsoever in fish eggs, even if you give them fancy names such as sturgeon roe, black pearls, food of the Tsars, they're still gooey fish eggs to me, a bit like frog spawn, salty, slimy and objectionable and the fact that some people are prepared to pay incredible prices for them is just another of those great culinary mysteries. Whether it's beluga, osetra, sevruga, or sterlet, malasol, dark or light grey, dark brown or golden, large or small berries, served on a mother of pearl spoon or even a solid gold spoon, you can keep the nasty stuff as far as I'm concerned.
The Chinese also seem to share my views on the subject since they too shun the product despite relishing other funny foods such as bird's nests, shark's fins and I suppose the relatively similar, carp's eggs. So it is all the more interesting that they have decided to branch out into the caviar market although, inscrutable as ever, it is obviously because they see a gap in the international market and an opportunity to earn a few yen. It's most unlikely that caviar will find it's way on to too many Chinese dinner tables.
The problem always is that when you come late to the market most of the the best brand names have already been chosen and there's no way established purveyors will let you piggyback on their brands. When they started producing cheap, facsimile, watches they were disappointed not to be able to brand them as Rolex and had to resort to names such as R. Olex and now it's the same old problem with caviar. Beluga has been nabbed and so Chinese caviar has to be marketed under the name Keluga, close enough to hoodwink the sort of people who think it's smart to be eating the rubbish.
The Tianxia Sturgeon Company has announced a joint venture with Caviar Creator to exploit, via aquaculture, the caviar market internationally and to try to persude the burgeoning Chinese domestic market that eating caviar is the sophisticated thing to do but even Hu Chao, the secretary of the Tianxia (Heavenly Gorges) Sturgeon Company, admitted that she had never tried it and added " I can't imagine spending that kind of money on fish eggs ." Neither can I my dear.